Sunday, July 3, 2011

I like who I am because of you

Lord, Lord...we waited 13 years for you. The only thing I ever wanted to be was a mother. I know it breaks your heart at times when you think of being adopted. That's the only thing that makes me sad about it.

And when you were young, the label of PDD hurt. I was into licking my own wounds, but somehow still had the oomph to give you what I thought you might need. I studied, read more books than I had in the previous 40 years in one, checked out over 7000 Pub-med documents, and understood maybe 2. Although you hadn't changed, I was drawn to. It helped me deal with the sadness. I lived in a stupor, overwhelmed with sadness at the thought I did this to you by my own inadequacy. I lost patience with you, as if you were choosing to be this way. I sucked as a parent.

We prayed for you at church. About the time I lost my religion I began to forgive you (idiotic, isn't it?) and prayed for myself I would grow up to be who you needed.

Do all parents go through this great awakening?

Slowly, slowly I began to see this extraordinary human being. You give me a belly laugh at least once a day, bring tears to my eyes because my stomach hurts so bad. It's like when you told the doctor, "Mom says she'd kill me if she wasn't laughing." I was ashamed, but it was true!

Everything that is good in me I owe to you. Thank you for being a part of my life.

May God bless and keep you always...

2 comments:

Happy Elf Mom said...

Yeah, I think I am losing my religion as well, though I would hardly classify myself as an atheist. BUT I am not intentionally stupid as some people I seem to encounter in churches seem to be.

Honestly? Pastors need to do a much better job of educating the flock and dispelling some stupid myths. NO, Obama is not out to make you a gay Muslim. NO, watching/reading Harry Potter won't make you lose your faith. And so on. Not that I like Obama or am into Harry Potter, but you know what I'm saying... so much stupid stuff passes for spirituality and pastors are the front-line defenders of truth, yk?

usethebrainsgodgiveyou said...

Took me a while to find this post.

No, I can't classify myself as atheist, either. I guess I have a need for order in my life, as Temple Grandin said, and I can't believe it's all random. That, and the Love chapter from 1Corinthians...somebody had to be pretty wise to put that out there.

I think a lot of religion is tied up in men's thoughts or shenanigans, but I do believe there is an eternal truth. Nihilism just depresses me. I have to go look up the word to see what it means, but it sounds good.